The Zen of Choey

It’s ten pm and I’m eating guacamole for dinner, because my mom made it for me with avocados from my Aunt Carolyn’s avocado tree, and because I can. It’s an easy dinner, and I don’t want to create more dishes. I drop half a chip on the floor for Somewhere, who is begging on my right, and a few small pieces for Sparky the cat, who is sitting on my left. Sparky was on the computer desk, all twenty plus pounds of him, but I shoved him down. He was invading my space.

Somewhere inevitably finishes her chip first, and circles the back of my chair to take Sparky’s chips. “He’s going to kill you in your sleep for that,” I tell her as she crunches the small pieces, though we both know it isn’t true. Not that I don’t think Sparky has it in him, because he does. His nickname is The Big Gray Asshole. But Somewhere sleeps in a kennel, and he can’t get in there. Sparky is in the corner now with his gold eyes glowing, reminding me of the cat from Pet Cemetery. I’m talking to my animals like people. I should get out more.

“It’s a beautiful night for fishing. I’m just saying,” I text to my cousin Joey, but we all mostly call him Choey these days. He doesn’t answer me for a while, so long that I figure he’s gone to sleep.

“Yup. I’m goin fishin,” Joey texts me. I tape a note to the computer for my already sleeping children that says “Fishing with Uncle Choey. xo Mom,” and I high tail it out of my house.

I don’t actually fish, I just go along, help carry stuff, hold the light. They bring me a chair. I just like being out by the water and my cousin Joey makes me laugh way more than most people do. We just sort of get each other. Joey says that I’m the female version of him.

We sit and watch the moonlight play in flickers on the water. I think that they look like laser lights, but Joey says that out past his bobber, the lights look like showers of sparks hitting the lake. Its cool out, I have the hood of my sweatshirt up, but it’s nice. There aren’t going to be that many nights left to sit out comfortably and enjoy the night sky.

We talk about what we would let people do to us for a million dollars. I don’t know why we start playing this game, we simply jump around from story to story until we find things that makes us laugh until we cry. Being with Joey always makes me feel like I’m twelve years old. The sensibility from that time in our lives has carried over, and when we’re together, it’s as if we just never outgrew it.

Joey says someone could shit in his mouth for a million dollars. I cover my mouth, which is open out of both laughter and disgust, and I lean away from him in my chair. To make his point, he tilts his head back and opens his mouth to the night sky. As we laugh until we cry, Joey says “I can brush my teeth in Jamaica, on my new damn boat.”

Choey has created a language. I’m not exactly sure what it is, some combination of Russian and Indian accents, with the occasional dip into Yooper. I’m envious of his ability to speak it and wish I could imitate him saying “Shut hole in face now.” When I try, Choey tells me “Zis can’t be taught. Zis just comes, it comes one day. Wait, not try so hard, Chelly…”


I don’t have a first memory of my cousin Joey. His father and my father were brothers, and we spent so many weekends at their house while I was growing up that my memories of Joey and his eight siblings fall into the category of always having been there.

Joey is the youngest of nine, and the closest in age to me out of all of my cousins in that family. At just over four years older than me, Joey was close enough in age to play with but old enough to be cool. He would baby-sit us when our parents went out to dinner. I remember watching Saturday Night Live for the first time with him, swearing for the first time with him. I remember that we did a lot of laughing.

Joey’s mother, my Aunt Patsy, passed away in the fall of 1994. I had the hardest time going into the church for her funeral, and when I finally did, I felt hot, ill, and dizzy. I leaned my head down and closed my eyes, and the image of blue herons flying around the loft of the old church appeared in my mind. I love blue herons, with their shy nature and knowing eyes. They calmed me down, made me able to sit in that church.

After the services, everyone gathered at my Aunt and Uncles apartment on Burleigh in Milwaukee. Joey and I took the bikes and headed for the park, where the Milwaukee River runs through at merely the size of a stream. We rode our bikes the short distance from the traffic and strip malls and world, and tucked into some trees along the river bank. I didn’t know what to say, so we didn’t say anything for a long time. We just picked at the grass and listened to the river. Then I told him about the blue herons I saw in the church, that they made me feel better, like she was somewhere safe.

“I’ve never seen a blue heron,” Joey said, casting his eyes down at his fingers playing with the grass. He looked like a little boy, I thought, but he’s a man. A man who just lost his mother.

Out of nowhere, a blue heron flew in through the trees, and landed in front of us in the river. We didn’t move, or talk. We just sat by the stream in the middle of Milwaukee and looked at the blue heron that suddenly floated in. It stayed for a few minutes, watching us, and then flew off again from wherever it came from.

“That was a blue heron,” Joey said to me.

“That was a blue heron.”

Joey and I have been close our whole lives, and then when I moved to Beaver Dam to be with my family on a daily basis, Joey and I drifted. I’m not sure what happened, he seemed to back away and I let him, figuring that not everything has to do with me, and that things have a way of coming back around. We were friendly and still had fun together, but we didn’t go out of our way to hang out like we always had. It stayed that way until this summer, when I struggled with a lot of different big life stuff. The storms of my summer left me ultimately happier and better off, but in certain respects, heartbroken. Joey saw this, watched it all build up and unravel. Suddenly whatever space Joey and I had standing between us was gone, and he was back. Just like he always had been, making me laugh and forget about life.

I didn’t get what I thought I wanted, instead I got what I was meant to have: My cousin Joey and I, bobbling in our little twelve year old universe together.

Last Sunday night, Joey and I are fishing at Edgewater Park, on the far pier. I love this park, and I’m a firm believer that it holds some special powers over the cosmos. I’m fairly certain that it didn’t let the summer come this year. I was watching the Packer game at home when Joey asked me to meet him for fishing. I was already recording the game, so I went. I walk down the small pier and sit on the bench seat next to Joey.

“Here,” he says to me, shoving something at me. I fumble around in the dark trying to find whatever it is. It’s a small foam piece, on a wire.

“It’s the Packer game!” I echo out onto the lake as I put it in my ear. Joey and I sit side by side and listen, doing our own commentary. We take the earpieces out for commercials. With 2:35 left in the game, the Packers are down by two. Joey says that this is the shit that Favre took care of and the kid better step up and make it happen. I grunt in agreement.

Joey leans forward for his soda and pulls the earpiece out of my ear. I gasp aloud, as if someone just threw a baby in the lake. Joey thinks my reaction is the funniest thing he’s seen all day, so he dangles the wire in front of me as I shriek “Joey, it’s the end of the game! Jesus, do you know me at all?”

The kid pulls it off, and the Packers take the lead, but the Bears come back fighting. When we hear Lambeau is on its feet, we stand too. The pier is wobbly and I stand there next to Joey, so close we’re nearly touching, listening to the Packer game from one of my favorite places on earth. I am certain that there is no place else I’d rather be.

Fair Weather Friends

I have been trying to figure out how it is that people can think that Brett Favre is a traitor.

He gave us sixteen years. Sixteen years of getting his ass slammed to the ground every Sunday. Two Super Bowls. He played sick, hurt, broken. He played in Americas un-friendliest stadium for Monday Night Football in front of the world, the night after his father died. He never missed a start.

But now, Favre isn’t a Packer. He went to the competition, so he’s the enemy. Never mind the fact that never once in all those years did he show us that he was anything but a straight shooter and a stand up guy. Or that he is his own man with his own set of fingerprints, who should be free to be the architect of his own life and his own legacy.

We expect him to remain faithful to his Packer fans, who throw stones when he plays the game he loves over the state line. He doesn’t throw them back. We loved him for his edge of your seat sensibility when he was here, but we hate him for it now. But did we ever love him, if we can turn so fast? Maybe we are the fair weather friends, who only cheer for him when he stands on our soil.

Collapsing Puppy Disorder

I’ve taken Somewhere to the dog park three times on this long weekend. It’s a sort of breakthrough for us, as we’ve been treading carefully with Somewhere when it comes to exercise.

As it turns out, I am the proud owner of a collapsing puppy, although the experts gave this disorder the snappy name of Exercise Induced Collapse (EIC). Basically, it’s a genetic defect that does not send a signal to her hindquarters after intense physical exercise. The only other symptom that occurs with a collapse is overheating, which the dog will pant off. It’s rarely fatal, but there is nothing that can be done for EIC. We must simply be diligent in watching her, and stop her at the first sign of wobbly legs. Severe attacks can leave some damage to the function of the legs, and I feel like we used up a few get-out-of-jail-free-cards already while we were trying to figure out what was wrong with her and how much exercise is too much.

It really sucks that this had to happen to her. The disorder is mostly linked to labs and lab mixes, and as it seems to be the case with the small percentage of dogs with this disorder, she is energetic, excitable, muscular, and truly an athlete. Before this began, I took her to the park nearly everyday, sometimes letting her run with her dog friend, but often just using the Chuck-it to launch the ball for her. She is extremely fast and never seemed to tire, and was up for a run regardless of cold or wind or rain. In hindsight, the only warning sign was her habit lying in puddles in the melting snow this spring, trying to cool herself off.

The first collapse Somewhere showed was this June. We were staying in Kenosha with my best friend Holly. I was working t-shirts at a softball tournament, my oldest daughter was playing ball, and my youngest was bouncing back and forth between the tournament and Auntie Holly’s house. Auntie Holly graciously took all of this on, as well as the care of Somewhere while I was out working all day. Somewhere constantly badgers her dog, Bella, another small lab mix who looks strikingly similar to my dog at first glance. Somewhere follows Holly’s toddler around the house, constantly kissing her, begging for her snacks, and near-missing her while trying to herd the baby into a stationary position.

It was the first really warm week we had of actual summer. I has finished my long weekend and was hanging out in Auntie Holly’s backyard. I mentioned getting packed up to leave and Auntie Holly turned to my daughter, her namesake. “That’s funny, Hol. You’re mom thinks she’s going to leave. She worked all damn weekend and fell asleep on the couch watching 90210 with me and she thinks that you’re going home tonight. That’s funny.” She turns to me. “You’re not going home.”

My youngest only smiled, and retreated into the house. I laughed. Yes, we would stay. If she wanted her house filled with the three of us and our puppy for another night, we would stay.

Through all of this, we were throwing the ball across Holly’s small fenced back yard for Somewhere. She is relentless. She will chase that ball until she collapses, literally apparently. She brought the ball over to us, and then stumbled, as if she was drunk. We both laughed a little, nervous and surprised. Somewhere still looked happy, a bit confused maybe, but fine. Then she did it again. Her back legs splayed out behind her straight, but as though they couldn’t support her. She didn’t seem alarmed, and walked toward us like a wet noodle. I asked Holly if she thought that maybe she got into something, ate something toxic, but Holly has her house and yard and her life toddler proofed. Somewhere was more likely to get into something at my house, and we hadn’t been there for days.

She was panting hard, so Holly ran into the house and got some water for her. She drank it all, and perked back up instantly, as if nothing had happened. Her legs appeared normal, and she was back to following the baby and Bella and bugging us with the ball. We chocked it up to dehydration and took her in, gave her more water. She truly acted normally so quickly that I would’ve questioned if it had really happened if I didn’t have Holly there to see it as well.

A week later, I took her to the dog park at dusk. It was warm and humid, but the sun was down and the air is as cool as it was going to get. Somewhere had had plenty of water, and I’d brought some along because she’s a snob who refuses to drink out of the communal dog bowl at the dog park. And may I say, thank god.

I chucked the ball for her, and she ran with her friends. Just like that, as if a switch has been flipped, her back legs were noodles. She noticed, but only that something was off. She was dragging herself over to me until I made her lay down. She was panting, so I gave her water. I put water on her body. And just like last time, she perked back up as if nothing happened. But I am not crazy, she couldn’t walk. She was dragging herself.

What the hell is wrong with my dog?

She was up and chasing her pit bull puppy friend, Tuesday, as soon as she was able. I stopped her. I took her home. She came in the door, ate dinner, drank more water, and picked up one of her favorite hobbies, tormenting Football the cat. She’s fine? How is she fine? I called the emergency vet number.

I was told that it was most likely heat exhaustion, that there was a rash of cases due to the sudden heat. I was told that some dogs handle the heat better than others. Get her to lay low when it’s hot, limit exercise unless it’s early or late, and push fluids.

It was going to be a long summer. I ran that dog at the park everyday for a reason. She’s energetic and loves to run, and we all like her a lot more if she gets her exercise. If she didn’t get enough exercise, she’s going to drive us crazy and I was going to have to figure out how to sell her on e-Bay from my phone. I was not very happy about this little twist, but not really concerned yet. We’d figure it out.

I make her lay low. It stays hot. But she doesn’t bring me the leash every five minutes. She badgers me about walks a lot less than I thought she would. We were moving that week, just across town, but I had to leave town again for three days for work before I moved. I was busy, and scattered. If I remember correctly, I was already having like no fun on a bunch of levels. But Somewhere had been so good, so I decided to take her with me across the street to return something and tell the neighbors when we were moving. We wouldn’t stay long. She could play with their little terrier, Skylar. It was late, nearly dark.

She chased Sklyar around their tiny yard for just over five minutes, and she went down. What surprised me, and her, was our neighbors reactions. They were scared. And now so was I, and so was Somewhere. She dragged herself over to me and collapsed on my feet. She looked up, worried, and I realized that we were scaring her.

“It’s okay, buddy.” I told her. “It’s all good. You’re okay. We’re getting you some water. It’s okay, girl.” I tried to sound sure, to feel sure. She didn’t believe me. She perked up with the water, and immediately ran for the porch where Skylar was being kept, then collapsed on her way down the stairs. I laid her down again, and when she perked up the second time I took her home. Within five minutes in the cool house, she was chasing Football the cat, eating and drinking normally, and being her usual goofy self. Still, I couldn’t shake the look on my neighbors faces, or how they shooed their nine year old in the house to protect her from what was happening to my dog. I frantically called the vet. They told me I could take her back out in heat and drive forty minutes to their animal hospital, where for the bargain price of 400 to 500 dollars, they would run some tests. I said no thanks, as once again she was fine. I called my cousin Joey.

Joey was the right person to call. I was really worked up. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t really have the sensibility for collapsing puppies. I’m generally all flowers and sunshine, and I don’t even like hospitals, or medical tubing, or deep scratches. This was a lot to handle, and the neighbor’s reaction made it clear that this was not okay. Joey told me to call his vet in morning, and that he would even go with me if it made me feel better. He told me to go play with my puppy and not worry. I felt better, because I knew I wouldn’t have to be alone, because I was really sure that there was something really wrong with her and they might have to put her to sleep. Joey just offered to go with me, which was perfect, since I’m not very good at asking for help.

I had to leave Somewhere at the vet. They could only get her in on a drop off basis, so I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork, talk to them and then leave her there. Our house was mostly packed and in a state of disarray. My mom had moved into some Senior apartments the month before, and my youngest daughter was at camp on the East Coast. Georgia took to hanging out with her cousins, which is what always happens in summer. When I came home without Somewhere, my gentle-souled cat, Football, clung to me like a monkey and mewed, and I figured he thought that I was selling off our family one piece at a time, and that he was next. So I sat down in the empty sitting room with him and cried too.

As it turns out, Somewhere is perfectly normal, which just shows that the vet didn’t spend enough time with her. She puts tennis balls in my refrigerator on purpose and puts herself in the kennel after she barks. She is far from normal. But other than a very slight elevation in her kidneys enzymes, which varies among dogs anyway, she was totally healthy. The vet mentioned the possibility of Exercise Induced Collapse, but she was going to have to do some research on where and how we could do this genetic test. I did some research on my own, and am positive that this is what she has. Onset of symptoms is typically 12-14 months, and she had just turned a year. We’ve avoided exercise, but not activity (like riding in the car) when it’s hot and humid, and she hasn’t had another episode in the heat. What’s also interesting is that when it’s warmer and sticky, she lays low. She doesn’t bring me her leash or bump me with her nose to go to the park. When it gets cooler, she’s back to nagging.

I don’t bring the Chuck-it much anymore. I feel like it disappoints her. She can only chase hard, her paws sounding off the grass like hooves, for a few minutes. She wants an hour. I’m redirecting her energy into playing with the other dogs. Truth be told, she could use a light duty job somewhere a few days a week, maybe stocking some shelves. She is under stimulated, and has taken up the hobby again of relocating our prized belongings without harming them. Still, we have to search for cell phones, keys, and clothing, anything we use often.

We’ve only had one more episode, teaching us the lesson that we cannot just let her run even when it is cool. She played for a little over ten minutes one night, running hard with some friends dogs after the ball, and collapsed. One of the dogs she was playing with wandered off in search of a greater adventure than a collapsing puppy with a scared owner, but the four month old puppy sat right down on the grass with us, leaning against both Somewhere and myself, as if to say that he was fine with whatever we wanted to do. I was surprised that such a young puppy could so totally understand the quality and concept of friendship.

And I suppose that I am growing into someone who can handle owning a collapsing puppy, because I’m doing it, and I’m getting better. She ran with a dog at the park the other night, and I watched her closely. I knew it might be too much running, but this time I didn’t panic. My eyesight is keener and I noticed the very first leg wobble. I laid her down and she patiently waited it out. She got up normally, and then slowed herself down. I guess that she’s also starting to understand that our lives just aren’t the same.

The Quote Board

When we moved into our new place, I bought a couple of dry erase boards to put up. My original thought for them was notes to each other, the receipt from the last orthodontist appointment as a reminder to make the new appointment, that kind of thing. Instead, the only thing that happens on them is we write the funny things that get said around us down, replacing them only with something funnier.

Best story so far...

We are hanging out of the porch, over looking our quiet green backyard, our clothesline that I love to fill with our clothes, and all of our neighbor’s rooftops. I love my porch more than any other place in the world probably. It's peaceful, and encourages happiness.

Holly is performing her gymnastics feats on the tops of the stairwell and porch railings, as if they are parallel bars. She only makes me a little nervous, but she scares the hell out of her cousin Sammy, who’s been staying with us on and off this summer. Sammy just graduated high school, and has a very well developed sense of humor for her age. Plus, she’s a straight shooter. She calls life as she sees it, because she believes in herself enough to own her own spot of soil in the universe already.

Georgia is talking, not necessarily for the purpose of communicating, just talking. We all half listen, me sitting in my purple chair with my feet up on the cooler. I thought of getting a table to put my things and my feet on, but then where would I put the cooler? This just seems easy.

We probably have a wasp nest somewhere near our porch. They show up pretty frequently, but they leave easily enough. They aren’t taking over. And really, wasp nests are not a Shelly job. I would have to go ask for help to even investigate this problem. So far, we’re living under a quietly-ignore-the-wasps policy. Don’t piss them off. The only problem so far has been that Somewhere doesn’t observe this very well. She keeps trying to eat them on our way up the stairs.

A wasp comes near Georgia on her end of the porch, and she kind of spazzes out. She starts yelling, running around. I yell to her from across the porch, not even sure if she’ll hear me when she’s in freak out mode. “Bee’s can smell fear, Georgia!”

Sammy, without missing a beat says, “Yeah, and you reek.”

Until yesterday it was on the message board. We hadn’t found anything crisp and edgy enough to knock it out of first.

My mom, Pat, recently moved into some senior apartments. She has a plethora of health problems, but at the moment is fairly healthy. Her cardiologist orders a heart monitor once a year and yesterday just happened to be her day to wear it for 24 hours. The monitors have a large box to record information that protrudes out of the belly of the wearer. Yesterday, my mom’s new friend Millie was coming over to my mom’s apartment to grate zucchini, because apparently my mom has a fancier gadget for that sort of thing.

When Millie knocks, my mom opens the door and says “I’m not just happy to see you, Millie. I’m wearing a heart monitor today.”

Obviously, I owe my mother a great debt of gratitude for my sense of humor, although my dad is kind of warped in that department, too. Still, the joke was lost on poor Millie, who stayed silent. But I got a new winner for the quote board…

Stinky Days

The girls are flying to Washington, DC to go see Holly’s dad and grandparents in Virginia. I’m going to miss them, of course I will. They are the center of my universe, but I’m excited for the break. It’s been a hectic summer and I’m tired of hearing “Mom” every five minutes. I’m ready for a little quiet. Rob, Holly’s dad, schedules the flight for Friday night at 7pm out of Milwaukee, and I plan on going on to Kenosha to see my best friend Holly after I see the plane off.

Everything is going so well getting ready for the airport that I finally stop assuming something is going to go wrong. Then the dog craps in the parking garage, despite just having gone an hour before. I will myself to not see it as an omen as she crouches down on the pavement, as far from the car as she can get with her leash, while we ransack the car for a plastic bag to clean it up. The kids think its the funniest thing ever, and I’m wishing I hadn’t brought the dog, but I’m staying overnight at my friend Holly’s so I don’t have a choice. The girls say their goodbyes while I clean up the thankfully solid pile.

The girls and I find the AirTran counter easily, and talk amongst ourselves while we get checked in. I’m given envelopes to fill out, and told that since Georgia is over twelve years old and can accept responsibility for herself and her sister, there will be no unaccompanied minor fees. This is wonderful, because those can be expensive. Some airlines charge $100 dollars, on direct flights in which parents are still in charge of making sure the child gets to and from the gate.

We are informed that the plane is on time, we’ve already eaten and we still have time, so we nose around in the book store, all of us coming out with a used book. We wait in a long security line, and then head to the gate.

I should’ve realized something was up when there was no one at the counter as we arrived, not until twenty minutes before the plane was to take off, despite the computerized sign reading that the plane is scheduled to leave on time. When the woman from the airline finally arrives, she gets on the loudspeaker and informs the crowd that our plane is here, but the crew is still stuck in Atlanta, where there are severe storms. The flight crew is scheduled to arrive by 10:30 pm, but in the meantime the airline will work on getting a different flight crew. An enormous line forms immediately.

I confer with the girls, more thinking out loud than anything else, while they read their magazines. Holly informs me that we should just go to Auntie Holly’s house and try again in the morning. Georgia says we should wait it out at the airport and be done with it, both talking to me without looking up from behind their magazines. I call Rob. He says to get in the ridiculously long line and find out about flights in the morning, make sure they are allowed to fly on the last flight of the day, and then let him know.

The ticket woman, who is all teeth, forced fake smiles and frazzled, assures me that the girls will get on the flight later this evening without problem, then tells me the morning flight is booked. We could hope someone would be willing to switch to the evening flight, otherwise we could try the same flight the following evening. I don’t want this process to take days. I just want to get out of the freaking airport with as little drama as possible. We will wait it out. She gives us food vouchers. We make friends with the woman next to us, a grandmother from Minnesota traveling with her three year old granddaughter, Hallie. The grandmother offers, in a funny little accent that reminds me of the movie Fargo, to take care of the girls if I need to leave. She’s harmless, I’m sure, but I tell her that I’m waiting it out, too.

The girls and I share pizzas, bananas and bottles of water before the stores close up for the night. Security shuts down, and we are forced to stay in the concourse because re-entry isn’t permitted once security closes. We are officially being held hostage by the airline and the airport. I silently hope my dog isn’t eating my steering wheel.

We make friends with a young guy with a laptop and fancy phone, who calls me “Ma’am” in his southern accent, and informs us that the flight from Atlanta with our flight crew aboard hasn’t even left yet. Which means were screwed. He says “Y’all talk funny,” which is kind of the pot calling the kettle black if you ask me, but he’s keeping us more informed than the airline, so he’s forgiven.

I call Rob again, who tells me to go the counter and tell the person there that they are putting my kids on a flight in the morning to DC, on any airline, and that they are paying for it. I’m willing to give it a shot, but this isn’t really me. I don’t bully very well. My downstairs neighbor hated me when I moved in because I have a dog, apparently she was attacked as a child. I feel bad about this, but it wasn’t my dog, and it is what it is. I just kept making her carrot cake and cookies until she softened.

When I get back, an announcement had been made that a plane is arriving out of New Orleans with a flight crew for us. They will be in by 11:30 pm, the plane is already over Indianapolis. I don’t have to yell at anyone. We will all be allowed to leave this god forsaken airport, and soon. We settle in with the grandma and Hallie, taking pictures and talking. Three year old Hallie has a fascination with cavities and informs us that she wants to be a dentist. The girls are tired but ready to be on their way. We gather our stuff to head to the restrooms one last time before boarding. The grandma, whose name I never did get, suggests that we see if the kids could sit with her and Hallie, that its late and she wouldn’t mind switching if I wanted, so she could keep an eye on them. We head to the counter to make it happen while my girls take Hallie to the bathroom. They get back just as it’s my turn at the counter.

Another employee is at the counter, one I haven’t seen in all of the past six hours. She’s blunt and short with me immediately, and she has a less well-intentioned forced smile. She asks for the passenger name and I tell her, and then pull out the envelopes. She takes one look at those envelopes and asks how I would feel about the kids flying on the morning flight. I tell her that I wouldn’t feel very good about that, my kids are getting on the plane tonight, thanks. She tells me that they actually aren’t, they are unaccompanied minors and they aren’t permitted to get on the last flight of the day. And then, to be sure I know who’s in charge, she says “We have no choice but to make other arrangements.” This is when I lost it. I will admit that I lost it, or that it wasn’t my shining moment, anyway.

“My kids and I have been held hostage in this god forsaken airport for over six hours, and I’d been assured a dozen times that my kids were getting on an airplane tonight if we waited it out, which we did. All I wanted to do was let the kids sit next to this nice lady and her grandbaby, and you’re telling me my kids can’t get on the airplane? NO. You are putting my kids on this goddamn AIRPLANE!”

To which she said, “I’m calling the sheriff.”

This is funny. Funny because I’ve never even had a speeding ticket. I’m so squeaky clean at this point in my life it’s almost sad. I would’ve been scared by the threat if it weren’t for the fact that I was so mad. So I laughed. I really wasn’t trying to be a brat, it just seemed so funny. The woman behind the counter didn’t like the laugh.

So I ask, “You’re calling the sheriff? For what?”

“Ma’am, you raised your voice at me. And swore.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that was illegal. Hey, swearing and raising your voice is illegal everyone, just so you know! They’ll call the sheriff.” I might as well address the crowd, the line has stopped moving completely and they are all doing nothing but watching us anyway. I don’t really like being the center of attention, but I am a firm believer that if you’re going to do something, do it right. Or at least get the masses on your side.

I chuck my cell phone to Holly and say “Call your father”. The woman behind the counter tells me to get out of her ticket area. Freakin’ gladly, lady. She’s already on the phone, and two other employees are trying to calm her. She’s pointing at me. Pointing. Still talking about the goddamn sheriff. I’m five foot three with shoes on, not even 150 pounds. And I’ve been recently run through a metal detector. Come on. I don’t even have three ounces of liquid to my name to throw at her. Somehow, it’s Georgia who’s talking to Rob on my phone now, and she’s in tears. Did I mention that the dog is still in the goddamn car?

The other woman who’d been at the counter all along comes rushing over to me. She asks for the kids envelopes, and pulls the boarding passes out of them and hands them to me. She says “You didn’t pay the unaccompanied minor fee, right?”

I’m thinking, what the hell, now they want money?

“No…” I say, trying to get calm.

“Okay, that means that your holding the kids boarding passes, which means they are just passengers. These envelopes are for unaccompanied minors, so I’m going to rip them up. You didn’t pay the fee, and they are not unaccompanied minors. Do you understand?” Her voice is soft. She’s risking something for me, I know this.

“I understand.” I tell her, and she rips both envelopes in four and tells me to get the kids in line. The grandma is right behind me, telling me that she switched her seats by the girls. Three passengers I never talked to in all our hours of sitting there tell me that their sorry for how that woman treated me. I’m stunned into silence. I just nod. I’m surprised, because I feel like an asshole. I lost my temper.

The kids get on the plane. I pace the windows, wishing I could make out their little faces through the tiny airplane windows. The pissed off sheriff-cry-wolf woman walks over to me. I turn to her but don’t say a word.

“I heard a rumor that you might think that I was rude to you before,” she says to me.
I raise my eyebrows and say “Might be rude? I had three people I didn’t know apologize to me for how you treated me. That’s rude, lady. I don’t want to talk to you. The kids are on the plane, and you know, I don’t want to upset you or anything. Don’t want you calling the sheriff.”

“I’m trying to make this right, ma’am.” She says. I scowl at her, because I can’t think of how she can make this right, unless she has some magical power of turning back time that I am unaware of.

“I have a two year old,” she tells me.

“Yeah, I’ve had them, too. Twice actually.” I say, but I don’t think that it’s any kind of excuse. Cowboy up, life keeps moving whether you're ready or not.

I just want her to go away. It was a bad night, for everyone, and I just want to be done with her, so I tell her. “Please go away,” and she does, but I have to say it twice. I crumple into a seat by the window cross-legged, look out at the plane getting ready to taxi away and try not to cry. I don’t want to give that Sheriff bitch the satisfaction, more than anything else. I page through pictures on my phone for distraction, and as a reminder that there is life outside this airport.

When the plane taxis off, I head out. I call Rob and tell him the plane is on the way, and hightail it out of that place. I don’t even think about getting a pass for parking until I’m in the parking garage when it’s too late to go back in. I no longer care. I walk to the car to find Somewhere smiling at me through the window, the car intact. She didn’t even eat the oatmeal cream pie that one of the girls left behind. It’s crumpled and smashed, she’s obviously moved it around the car, but it’s the only evidence of her being in the car all evening. She can be a miraculously puppy. I climb into the driver’s seat and she leans her face into my shoulder immediately, as if she can tell what kind of night I’ve had. I cuddle her, giggle when she kisses me, and instantly feel better. We’re going to Auntie Holly’s now, a safe place where I feel almost as comfortable as I do in my own home. All is good.

Now, if this were anyone else’s life, the story would end here. But this is my life, chock full of experiences that make for great story telling.

I am fifteen minutes from Holly’s house when she calls. Apparently, her backyard and dog have been sprayed by a skunk, again. This has been Holly’s nemesis in life for the past two years, skunks. I’ve heard the stories of gagging and an odor so noxious that it takes days to clear out of your nostrils, loads of laundry and bottles of Febreeze to get the smell out of the house. I never thought that she was exaggerating, I’ve just never smelled skunk close up.

I smell it as soon as I turn onto her block. She’s waiting in her front yard for me, because the smell is too strong to handle being in the house. It’s late, so I let Somewhere out of the car without the leash and repeat the phrase “Stay with me,” about four hundred times. She does as she’s told. Holly helps me with my bags, and we head into the house. It’s honestly horrendous in there. The living room is toxic, but the kitchen is deadly. Holly’s dog, Bella, gets into the house somehow, and with her, the most offensive odor ever, with the possible exception of vomit on your person. I grab Kleenex, shove it up my nose, and start spraying Febreeze. My dog is foaming at the mouth from the smell. Bella is still wet from being sprayed. We shove her back outside, put Somewhere in the toxic living room with a bone, and get ready to deal with Bella. It’s well after midnight.

I ask Holly for some clothes to help clean up the dog with. She returns with an old sweatshirt and a pair of Capri pants. I come out of the bathroom with them on, but due to my short legs, the pants that are Capri’s on Holly are just pants on me. They reach my ankles. Just like I knew it would, this cracks Holly up, which isn’t so easy to do, being that she’s been walking around gagging since she called me on my way from the airport. She gets her husband Neal to come see my outfit, who doesn’t find it quite as funny as we do, and mostly just wants to go to bed. Holly explains to him that going to bed isn’t an option, he’s helping us. We open windows, light candles, stick more Kleenex up our noses and head to the backyard with a vat of tomato juice and a gallon on apple cider vinegar.

Neal digs around for gloves to use, but we aren’t sure if they contain latex and I’m allergic. I don’t want to take a trip to the emergency room or chance an armful of blisters, so I dip my bare hand into the tomato juice and start smearing it on their dog. Bella looks at me with sad eyes, as if to say that I am always nice to her and this doesn’t fit her idea of me. I apologize aloud to her, and continue mopping her with tomato juice. Holly and Neal join in, and soon the driveway looks more like we’ve been hacking up a deer than washing a dog. Their driveway, and all of us, are covered in thick red goop. This sucks, just like the airport did, only in a different way.

At least we have each other. If there is anyone in the world I could pick to go through this with, it would be my friend Holly. As her mother always says, the two of us could have fun together stuck in a cardboard box. And though I wouldn’t call the process fun, we are doing a surprising amount of smiling for such a nasty task. We spend a lot of the time listening to Holly wonder aloud what purpose skunks have, wishing them banned from the planet, and telling Neal that he’s the hunter and the man, and he needs to get his gun and take care of the skunks. The image is great, mostly because Holly and Neal live in the heart of Kenosha, where you could accidently hit someone throwing a ball too hard for your dog. A loaded gun in the city is probably not the best idea, but Holly’s been through this particular game three other times. She’s over it.

By the time we get to the part of this process where we take the hose to Bella, the girls call to say they’ve arrived in DC. The ride was bumpy, they could see lightning and they were afraid. I tell them that I’m standing in Auntie Holly’s’ back yard, up to my elbows in tomato juice and skunk odor, and suggest that we all start over tomorrow. That we need to have extra fun the following days to wipe this god awful day off the planet for good. They whole heartedly agree, as does Auntie Holly, whose nodding at me from behind the stream of the hose.

We get the dog tolerable enough to put in her kennel for the night, change into different clothes, and head to bed. It’s after 3am, and I’m beyond exhausted. The house smells, and so do I. All I smell is skunk. I roll over my day in my head, thinking of what I could’ve done different, and how so many things in this life aren’t in our control, they just carry us along for the ride. And how some days, life just stinks.